Archive Problems

We are particularly happy to share with you some of the photos of our wonderful Guinea Pig family taken over the years. These help illustrate a little of the serene elegance, sublime sophistication and sheer fun that our Free Range Guinea Pigs provide. You can also read about all our guinea pigs and their Free Range Lifestyle, particularly how they have inspired us to create our ever burgeoning compendium of products and how much fun and sheer pleasure guinea pigs bring! As you become more familiar with our web site you will understand how the Manufactory strives to make for a truly Piggyomatic Experience!, badges, badge, personalised badge making, badges, badge

Dear Mrs Mittens:
My FRIEND has an embarrassing problem, she is a lovely little piggy like me, but sometimes she . . . err um . . . .errr . . . how can I put this? Well . . . she eats far too much salad, MY SALAD, when she visits. Now she is appearing very rotund around her girth area. What can I do, I do not wish to be rude?
Mrs May B Me.
PS I enclose a photo of my friend.

Mrs Mittens Replies:
Eats far too much salad eh? Humph ... Call yourself a Guinea Pig?!! There is and never has been such a thing as “Too much salad”. As for her “appearing very rotund around the girth area” she is a Guinea Pig for goodness sake! Have you taken a good look in the mirror recently? Judging from the photo her beautifully proportioned physique is approaching the very epitome of Guinea Pig excellence.
You are clearly suffering from either paranoid self delusional disorder, acute envy, or, and I cite your usage of “MY SALAD” here, pure unadulterated selfishness. Should this be the case, you have nothing to worry about as you are clearly a perfectly well adjusted and normal Guinea Pig.
M.
Now a dilemma from a reader In Lincoln:
Dear Mrs Mittens
I am worried. I appear to be being stalked by two guinea pigs. I have met these two reprobates a few times but feel I do not know them well enough to set my mind at rest as to their . . . Erm . . . Intentions. I have no desire to be held captive in a lettuce patch or some such and at times I fear for my safety. Shall I ply them with guinea treats or just have restraining order placed on them?

Worried, of Lincoln.
Mrs Mittens Replies:
I understand perfectly how distressing this must be for you. I have never liked the stalks much either. Far better to nibble the leafy bits. However, you are clearly suffering from either acute schizophrenic paranoiac delusions or a particularly virulent form on potteryness. How can the prospect of being held captive in a lettuce patch be seen as anything other than a real treat? The only threat to your safety being a severe bout of flatulence brought on by intensive munching in the lettuce patch. Indeed, the threat would seem to be of more concern to those in your immediate vicinity at the time.
Many attempts have been made in the past to manufacture a restraining device suitable for Guinea Pigs and failed miserably. This may be due in part to the fact that they do not appear to posses a neck or, more likely, their propensity to chew their way through all but the toughest steel. I would suggest therefore a prolonged and active campaign of intensive treat plying.
To assist you in the recuperation from such prolonged treat providing activity, I am pleased to award you the “Mrs Mittens Problem of the Year Award” for 2002. Your complimentary Winnie’s Wheaty Warmer is on its way to you - be warned.
M.
Would readers please note: I have more problem (sic) than I can cope with at the moment. I will try to reply to you all in the fullness of time and a selection of dilemmas will be published on this page in due course.