Ask Mildred The Chief Guinea Pig

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Mildred Mittens Replies:
The best recipe I can suggest for Rhubarb was handed down to me by Great Aunt Maria who, incidentally, suffered from terminal wind. Take a good sharp kitchen knife and cut through the stalks at the precise point where they join the leaf. Cut the acrid red stems into cubes measuring no more than 1.476 cm and flush down the nearest toilet. Turning your attentions swiftly to the crinkly plastic looking leaves, take your freshly sharpened knife and cut the leaves into thin strips. Toss lightly in a pre-warmed compost heap and leave for at least six months, turning regularly with a garden fork, until done. Finally, use to grow something infinitely more appetising, green and salad like! Oh I nearly forgot - yes of course you can make Rhubarb Ice Cream but unfortunately you cannot actually eat it.
M.

Mildred replies to “S” of Little Hampton:
Oh dear, deary me. What a pickle you have got yourself into! I suggest Lemon Juice for the lighter stains and the liberal use of Blue Stratos to cover the odour. You could benefit from a little more attention to “personal hygiene” in the basement department. The bruising is perfectly normal but the swelling really should be seen by a Doctor.
M.

Mildred welcomes all your problems . . . Having housetrained Mabelina she is now ready to divert her attentions fully to solving all life's vicissitudes large and small!

Dear Mrs Mittens,
My husband always leaves his dirty laundry in a heap on the bathroom floor after his weekly bath. After 24 years of this I am getting a little fed up! And that isn’t the only one. See separate sheets of paper for a full and comprehensive list of some of his more unlikely foibles. Please advise me of the best course of action. I always read your column and find your advice simply inspirational. Your recent tip regarding ‘pea pods and their many uses’ was a revelation.
Mrs Witsend of Godawfuling.
Mildred replies:
I can’t help thinking that you may have missed the point here. The fact your husband advertises his new found state of personal freshness should be welcomed. Any lingering doubt as to his er, aroma, can be dispelled without the need to pass within actual sniffing distance. I am however, most concerned with point 72.c on your list. Does he manage to perform both activities simultaneously, or consecutively with a slight pause in between? Instead of bemoaning your fate, I suggest you console yourself with the fact that at least your husband has provided you with endless hours of entertaining list making and provoked much sympathy for you from your female friends and neighbours. I would however, discourage his rather unusual and creative use of wire wool at all costs!
M.

Dear Mrs Mittens,
What in your inestimable opinion is the best way to cook rhubarb please? And is it possible to make rhubarb ice cream? We have a glut of the stuff, and have created many fine recipes including rhubarb on toast, rhubarb fish cakes, rhubarb burgers (mmm, they were really lovely) and roast rhubarb with mushrooms. We wonder if there are any other ways of cooking this versatile food.
Mrs May Force-it, Tottering-cum-Crumble.